Vince from ShamWow got another job

by Caleb Reading

The video is below, if you want to skip to that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now liveblog an infomercial . . .

“You’re gonna be in a great mood all day cuz you’re gonna be slapping your troubles away”

Like I don’t already?

“Stop having a boring tuna.  Stop having a boring life.” 

I’m watching infomercials at four in the morning, what do I need in my life?  An exhilarating tuna.

Two more quotes, posted without commentary:

“You’re gonna love my nuts.”

“If I can do it with one finger, you can do it with your whole hand.”

Oh my god, they just put a “ding” sound and a lense flare on a strawberry/mango slurry.

“Life’s hard enough as it is.  You don’t wanna cry anymore.”

Is this an intervention?  Is my family here?

“Guys, we’re gonna make America skinny again, one slap at a time.”

This is the second greatest thing that has ever or will ever exist.  Wolf shirts are still first.  This is so depressing that it couldn’t not have been intentional, and I love that.  I love everything that this commercial chooses to be.  (But I’ll still mute that shit next time it’s on.)