LET’S GO LOOK AT THE BODY!
by Caleb Reading
ET breaks the news that comedian George Carlin has died from heart failure. The man who made famous the “seven words you can never say on television” passed away at 5:55 p.m. Sunday at Saint John’s Hospital in Santa Monica, his longtime publicist said. He was 71.
I don’t have anything poignant to say. He was my second-favorite comedian and I used to be a regular at his message board. I’m going to post some of my favorite quotes of his:
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man . . . living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.”
“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
“I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.”
“Hooray for most things!”
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, ‘You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.'”
“You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.”
“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, ‘Fuck waffles.'”