Huckabee, Iowa? Really?

by Caleb Reading

I’m still trying to rationalize why my home state of Iowa picked Huckabee in the straw poll.

First, I read a statistic that about 60% of the people who bothered to show up for the Iowa straw poll (the republican side of things) identified themselves as “evangelical”. For those people, it seemsĀ just saying “Yeah I’m born again” seems to be the only qualification for office.

Secondly, most of the people here are a bit insulated (voluntarily and structurally), and therefore don’t have a clue about all the crazy, idiotic things Huckabee has said and done. The mainstream media outlets, in their neverending quest to out-milquetoast each other, haven’t breathed a word about any of this. If somebody seems nice and you don’t know about the bodies buried in their backyard, well yeah they might win the straw poll.

Most people here don’t know about the rapist who got paroled to kill again because he “found Jesus”, or about any other of the rubber-stamped “found Jesus” parolees. Or about his son torturing a dog and Huckabee firing the cop who tried to investigate it. Or about him saying all AIDS patients should be rounded up and quaranteed, then excusing his idiot comment with “we didn’t know how AIDS was transmitted way back then” . . . in 1994. Excuse me, Huckabee, those of us who choose to crack open a science textbook from time to time did know how AIDS was transmitted in 1994, so willful ignorance won’t excuse what you said. You probably had just heard the urban legend about the needle in the movie theatre seat and you fell for it. That’s your dumb mistake.

Most people here don’t know that he said legal abortion providers should be jailed. I guess since he hasn’t cracked open a science textbook since well before 1994, he probably thinks Plan B is an abortifacient. I’ve dispensed it, which I guess means I get to choose between jail or the reorientation camp for us “sinful, aberrant gays” with our “chosen lifestyle”. But it’s for our own good, and the good of our souls. It’s because he cares. And because he thinks we all have AIDS and we might sneeze on him. (AHHHHHHHH!)

Iowans are, by our nature, stubborn, skeptical, stubborn, distrustful, stubborn, dismissive of those younger than ourselves, stubborn, and often willing to extend too much benefit of the doubt to “nice folks”. I could tell 100 people who are older than me about everything wrong with Huckabee, providing newspaper clippings and sworn affidavits, and only about 12 would probably admit I’d succeeding in changing their opinion. At least 30 would change the subject and pretend the conversation never happened. At least half would make a passive-aggressive comment about my age and/or my insufficient quantity of Scandinavian genes. The other 8 or so would accidentally vote for Buchanan, I suppose.