Church Newspaper Typos

by Caleb Reading

[Email forward, I don’t know the original sources, or how many are fabricated, etc.]

These are actual clippings from church newspapers
It’s amazing what a little proofreading would prevent:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight
at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear
Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER &
FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and
Prayer conference includes meals.”

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,”
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid
of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget
your husbands.”

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone
come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled
due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon
tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests
tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the
choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone
who doesn’t care much about you.

Don’t let worry kill you – let the Church help.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in
the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What
is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition
of several new members and to the deterioration of some older

The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who
enjoy sinning to join the choir.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed
potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a
nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don’t know
it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a
healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb
entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication
to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This
evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park
across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the
B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast
next Sunday morning.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the
back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in
the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited
to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”