Fun with Bible verses
by Caleb Reading
“Give beer to those who are perishing, wine to those who are in anguish;
let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more.”
“Let her breasts satisfy thee at all times.”
More after the jump
“Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls.”
(And on your left, you’ll see the Lord our father naked and hooting. Please. No flash photography.)
“Circumcise therefore the foreskin of your heart, and be no more stiffnecked.”
1 Samuel 18:27
“Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law”
(Wow. That’s twice the normal foreskin/wife exchange rate. http://skepticsannotatedbible.com/1sam/18.html#25 )
“I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;”
“The LORD is a man of war: the LORD is his name.”
“Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.”
“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
(Nothing makes God happier than bashing babies on rocks.)
Ezekiel 37:7-10 gives a lovely story of Necromancy. Teach the kiddies how to call the four winds!
“So I prophesied as I was commanded: and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold a shaking, and the bones came together, bone to his bone.
And when I beheld, lo, the sinews and the flesh came up upon them, and the skin covered them above: but there was no breath in them.
Then said he unto me, Prophesy unto the wind, prophesy, son of man, and say to the wind, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe upon these slain, that they may live.
So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived, and stood up upon their feet, an exceeding great army.”
The bible says there’s only one God? I think Zephaniah 2:11 would disagree:
“The LORD will be terrible unto them: for he will famish all the gods of the earth;”
(Well welly well, what’s all this about all the other gods?)
Jesus says not to pray in public in Matthew 6:5-6
“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.”
“That’s an old testiment verse. I just go by the new testiment.” Well in Matthew 5:17 Jesus upholds the old testiment:
“Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled”
ALSO Luke 16:17
“And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.”
How about these family values? Luke 14:26
“If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”
(Go ahead and hate your neighbor.)
OR Matthew 19:29
“And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name’s sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.”
(Be a deadbeat dad for jesus.)
“God wants everyone to be saved!” Not according to these verses:
2 Thessalonians 2:11-13
“And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie:
That they all might be damned who believed not the truth, but had pleasure in unrighteousness.
But we are bound to give thanks always to God for you, brethren beloved of the Lord, because God hath from the beginning chosen you to salvation”
“And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou unto them in parables?
He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given.
For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath.
Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.
And in them is fulfilled the prophecy of Esaias, which saith, By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive:
For this people’s heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them.”
“He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them.”
And since we’re talking about converting people:
“Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.”
(So which is it? Avoid or convert?)
“God doesn’t let bad things happen. That’s Satan’s fault!” Um, nope, wrong again:
“Then God sent an evil spirit”
“I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.”
“God doesn’t make mistakes.” Oh really.
“And the LORD repented of the evil which he thought to do unto his people.”
“God forgives if you ask.” Hmm . . .
“he is a jealous God; he will not forgive your transgressions nor your sins.”
“Love the sinner, hate the sin?” I wouldn’t if I were you . . .
2 Chronicles 19:2
“Shouldest thou help the ungodly, and love them that hate the LORD? therefore is wrath upon thee from before the LORD.”
So is there an afterlife? Is it everlasting or not?
“Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might;for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.”
“Heaven and earth shall pass away: but my words shall not pass away.”
(Okay, so now there’s an afterlife, but only temporarily. They’re wiley.)
For the christian who prides himself on being intelligent:
“Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy”
2 Corinthians 10:5
“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;”
(captivity of thought . . . couldn’t have described the mentality better myself.)
“End times are here!” Mark 9:1
“And he [Jesus] said unto them, Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power.”
(I think all those listeners are dead by now . . . and no armaggedon yet . . . hmm.)
And just for fun:
“the breath of the LORD, like a stream of brimstone,”
(Someone get God a tic tac.)
“And I will lay the dead carcases of the children of Israel before their idols; and I will scatter your bones round about your altars.”
(God as a homicidal Martha Stewart. “A little more carcass over here to create a focal point. . . .”)
“Wherefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I am against your pillows,”
(I wonder how he feels about dust ruffles.)
“Then I beheld, and lo a likeness as the appearance of fire: from the appearance of his loins even downward, fire; and from his loins even upward, as the appearance of brightness, as the colour of amber.”
(Behold God’s flaming . . . um, well, you know.)
“and madest all their loins to be at a stand.
Therefore thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will bring a sword upon thee, and cut off man and beast out of thee.”
“Then I turned, and lifted up mine eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll.”
(Beware the flying bread products.)
“And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;
They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.”
(If you really love god you’ll hold this snake and drink this poison . . .)
And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron.
(I guess that answers the “rock god can’t lift” question. The rock is made of iron.)